Got that off my chest – now what’s next – ah yes 2016

Hurrah next week I start two weeks of treatment to harvest stem cells. I shall be quite ill.

In case I die, unlikely as it is not a dangerous procedure at all, but as death by some other means – excessive sloth, excessive gobbiness, assasination or excessive consumption of parma violet chocolates – made in York and unsurpassed in the canon of great choccies, is a distinct possibility, I thought I would supplement the well known ten commandments with some more of my own, updated to take into account my whims and changes of resolve. BTW – One of few things I find unacceptable about Jeremy Corbyn is his reluctance to change his mind – this is a dangerous characteristic he would do well to moderate. There is nothing like a good U-Turn to command my respect – only complete monsters are ‘not for turning’ and we don’t want anymore of those. Showing unassailable resolve only pleases the sort of nits who think the second word war ended in our favour because we had a leader in Winnie who showed resolve, conveniently forgetting about things like the Russian Front, American cash, the weather and luck.

While I remember – I have redesigned my main page to make it easier to access my wisdom – personal, professional and poetry – go to  to enjoy my many fruits.

A little navel gazing follows –

I apologise, I guess I really am a pompous old git now. No that’s not it, really – I just like being perverse. I promise I do actually really like most people, nearly everyone actually, but there is something about certainty, about believing stuff, that really rattles me and makes me want to shout at people and hate them. I can’t accept the idea that anything is beyond the reach of ridicule and debunking. Nothing is sacred, absolutely nothing – I could really offend (but I wont) by listing the things, people, ideas that are subliminally designated by the Appleton set (model for many other similar ghettos) no-go areas when it comes to a good arse kicking – I was recently reminded by  friends of a few I have already targeted that can be safely repeated; poppy day (the biggest changer of my blog), being charitable, social responsibility, earning a living, knowing stuff, doing stuff, owning your own house, sending birthday cards, jacuzzis, reading books, – seriously would you dare go to a friends house for dinner bearing a half decent bottle of prosecco from Waitrose and pronounce “Actually I encourage my children not to read as I can’t be bothered to read those poxy boring kiddie books with them.” – all I am saying is, that this view,  along with any other contrary view imaginable has more power to disrupt, to cause change, to entertain and to puncture complacency than the self congratulatory remarks we (especially me) made as competitive middle class parents about reading the complete works of Turgenev to our children when they were two. Its also massively more fun and fun is fun. Middle class social interaction requires that you spend a good part of your energies in constructing a persona who has a ‘very little brain,’ but is not half so appealing as Pooh Bear.

Things I still really care about – no U-Turns yet

  • My beloved family and friends – without them the universe is nothing
  • Speaking my mind – being ill has empowered me – I like the ill me so much more than the well me. Sadly others don’t.
  • ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ – the passion that drives people to compete, perform and to care so fiercely – also the production standards are through the roof
  • That all gods are bad news and we should learn to do without them
  • That we need an equal gender divide in politics and all positions of power
  • My cats and the hens that live in the field – not so much the ones I eat.
  • That we could do without government all together
  • That we need a government that taxes us fat-cats to blazes to pay for
  • …the staff at the Magnolia Centre in York who look after me
  • Vintage telecommunications applied to melodrama, music, opera and sound design
  • That we don’t need borders, nations, races, genders or santa
  • I really must finish my Teddy poems and my photography project.

Things I pretend to care about

  • Socialism/politics
  • Anyone beyond my family and friends and whoever catches my attention on the BBC news – come on lets face it if I really cared I would not devote my time to poetry, melodrama and old phones
  • Cancer – I care to survive I don’t care to know or to revel.

Things I have wasted my time doing in the last 18 months

  • Worrying – trouble is I’ve done it for 58 years probably can’t stop
  • Fiddling with things beyond my capability – difficult programming requiring mathematical literacy, small mechanical items eg clocks – not got the brain, patience or dexterity
  • Following plots eg. Dr Who, Endeavour, just about anything with more than two characters – utterly impossible
  • Being nice to bigots who deserve to die
  • Being angry with bigots who deserve to die
  • Selling on Ebay – who cares about making money its only fun to spend it and buy stuff.
  • Replying to e-mails that are headed ‘Staff development opportunity – coping with stress’ – just got one and can’t cope.
  • Tracking my children using ‘findmyphone’ – really not healthy

Things I am really pleased with –

  • My gorgeous family – this sounds sickly but they are the highest of earthly achievements a little bit thanks to me.
  • My phone box – I love it and all it does for me – even when it hurt me badly
  • This blog – I think its great. Naaahhhhh!



7 Responses

  1. Paul Alan Barker January 4, 2016 / 6:46 pm

    Strictly! Oh God, you, my wife and daughter leaving me hopelessly tasteful. Production standards humbug. And if you want more friends, subjecting us to times tables, 12-letter passwords and user names we cannot remember might be why!

  2. Paul Alan Barker January 4, 2016 / 6:46 pm

    Strictly! Oh God, you, my wife and daughter leaving me hopelessly tasteful. Production standards humbug. And if you want more friends, subjecting us to times tables, 12-letter passwords and user names we cannot remember might be why!

  3. Paul Alan Barker January 4, 2016 / 7:25 pm

    Here is my news year offering:

    In the Guardian recently, the police minister, Mike Penning, apologised to MPs for the “wrong figures”…he said “I am sorry to say there was a statistical error made.”

    Statistical Error

    My name is Statistical Error
    I am constantly in demand
    To avoid or deny culpability
    I am ready and always on hand.

    So dazzling am I to be seen with
    That all become instantly blind
    So none should be blamed for denying
    That with me they have been entwined

    Many suitors do try to engage me
    But their contracts are always too short
    I coyly seduce them knowing
    With me they don’t want to be caught

    It’s true some do see me unfaithful
    And indeed I have known many men
    But one day I’ll meet someone truthful
    And I have plenty of work until then.

    • gravityisahat January 4, 2016 / 8:09 pm

      @Paul Alan Barker – so nice to hear from you and so many times – you are waiting for a bus and then 5 come along at once.

  4. hmeikle January 4, 2016 / 8:51 pm

    Chris, you don’t ‘alf write a great list….. I too am a lover of lists and yours are the eloquent and witty version of what i’d like mine to say.
    Set aside the sycophancy now, I do have to agree you are definitely outspoken and occasionally verge towards the “pompous old git” you describe but mainly this is just a big relief cos I’m sure most of us feel much the same even if we don’t chose to publish it!
    So good luck with the stem cell harvest, and please try not to die, the world would be a much less interesting place without your rants.

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