Category Archives: Everything else

Lest we forget

Teresa May is getting such a hard time at the moment it may be tempting to feel sympathy for her. How the mighty have fallen and all that. She is a human being, she is not actually Satan. She is not a people person and thats not a crime. She grimaces a lot and that is not a crime. She sticks adnauseum to a script and thats not a crime but lest we forget a few years ago she initiated this.

I am at the Royal Free for two days of tests next week. I won’t go into the details but my luggage will consist of two camping gas bottles and a litre of wee. So if you hear of a terrorist alert…

In case you missed it this video and you need cheering up take a look

 

Family and friends updates

I am allowed to brag about our family and friends if I check if its OK first. I have and it is.

So…… I will celebrate with not just one, but two of my gushes.

First of all Lisa Marini (with Jack Tustin and Arthur Newell) is appearing at the Glastonbury Festival and the Wilderness Festival. So cool, so proud! – so not going to be at either due to toilet phobia.

Also our dear family friend Ellie Baxter qualified today as a dentist. So many congrats! In case you are unaware it is blooming hard so to do and takes squillions of years of exams.

Feeling young

It’s a long time since I pontificated about anything serious. I admit to some embarrassment at my spouts of yore but they were well-intentioned, if crude outbursts of juvenile dogoodiness. I was only 59 then. Now at 60, and at the risk of repeating myself, like the bore I know I can be (Maria sometimes reminds me after dinner with the neighbours during which guests have literally fallen asleep on the floor – no I jest not) I thought I would set out my thoughts on current events. I do this for the thrill of being able to vent, and because the Corbyn ‘victory’ – and it is a victory in my view, has made me feel happy and mouthy and optimistic and young again. 

Terrorists and Trumpists – Much the same thing

I think I know what a terrorist feels like as they blow themselves up. Horny and full of fantasies that they are important and strong and right and heroic and most of all admired. Who does that remind you of? We all remember wanting to feel like that. We might have secretly smoked No.6, or drank pints of Newcastle Brown or read books on swords and guns and heads being cut off or hung out car windows with our sleeves rolled up, or gone to the gym or bought a leather jacket with studs or got a tattoo. I did quite a few of these. The difference, I suppose is that we had our mums and dads and our friends and teachers to tell us that we were being complete tossers. Weren’t we lucky. At the time the mockery is hard to take but if enough people laugh at you when you stick knives down your purpose bought high leather boots (outside the trouser) to protect yourself, cos you are in London and London is full of gangs and you plan to fight them off cos you are tough — and then you show the weaponry to everyone on your course – so they respect you – (someone I knew at Guildhall did all of this (and he was from the Isle of Wight) – and yes we laughed at him – and yes he left the Stage Management course – probably to become a terrorist – derailing my thesis before I have posited it) – then maybe, just maybe, you would think again. Trouble is these men and women are surrounded by people who take them seriously. Terrorists and Trumpists are nothing but more up their arses than most – narcissists – just like most teenagers are narcissists. Amidst the nightmare of all these tear-jerking deaths and mind numbing ‘policies’ (I think policies is too sensible a word perhaps ‘farts’ sums up Trumps outputs (forgive the pun) (disgusting, unintended, impolite, noxious, shitty)) If only we could laugh at them. Not possible of course and probably very dangerous.

Nation states.

I read an article recently that imagined a future from which we would regard nation states and the eating of our fellow creatures as barbaric anomalies. I must admit I agree. While I continue to eat the flora and fauna, the birds and bees (I did once eat a fried bee in china – slightly furry taste) – and I enjoy them with only a miniscule bit of guilt, I would happily see nation states go the way of UKIP in the last election – ie to fade away quietly in the morning as if they nowt but a bad dream. Patriotism is not a virtue! Nation states encourage us to turn a blind eye at all the killings that afflict anyone beyond the white cliffs of Dover. The atrocities that afflict this country represent something like a quiet Sunday afternoon in Syria. While the proximity effect is definitely real, namely we only worry about something if it is near enough to home that it seems worth worrying about, our willingness to utterly disregard the plight of our more distant brethren does seem merciless.

Labour Party – I feel young

I am not proud to be part of any party even the one I pay to be a member of. Parties/Shmarties I say. Tribes and teams are abhorrent to me but I could not help being delighted when the Labour Party, to my great surprise, gave the Tories such a bloody nose last week. I wish I was able to be more like Corbyn and not get personal but is it just me or aren’t the current crop of Tories a particularly distasteful bunch? Gaud what a bunch of old fogies yet so many people voted for them. Why? I am sceptical about statistics but I like to quote the one that says the less well educated you are, the more fearful of change and the older you are, the more likely it is that you will vote Tory. Thus I pronounce myself well educated, fearless and young – which for a 60 year old who failed his O levels and is frightened of most things, is quite a metamorphosis.

DUP – more god squadders in positions of power.

What a horror that the Cons are in bed with the DUP. This is a very nasty party indeed, riven through with religious bigotry. Teresa May has her faith – Tony Blair has his – needless to say I don’t approve of either but compared to the DUP these two misguided souls are virtually Richard Dawkins think-alikes. We still have faith schools, we still have bishops in the House of Lords and we still have too many formal ties to the established church. We have too many churches serving no purpose than to clutter the landscape with expensive to maintain ugly roofs (god I dislike church architecture – all those spires and towers – and have you seen the insides? – someone brighten them up with a bit of Farrow and Ball). On the BBC we have vocal representatives of Anglicanism who are given too much air-time. Like ‘Thought for the day’ that gives dull voice to dull people (granted the odd one is pretty cool – that Scottish Monk for example -but I will set that aside as it bifurcates the trajectory of my rant) and the Daily Service and Songs of Praise are both of which are only out-bored by Money Box live and ‘You and Yours.’ It is definitely time to get rid of Capitalism, Winifred Robinson and God in that order. Sadly neither proposal is on the Labour manifesto. But beware – Daily Mail Readers and Winifred– if that man gets into power, well you never know ….

Last post ‘casinò.’

Decode this dear linguistically literate readership

oh dear – my last post was a grammatical ‘casinò.’

too much to leave to posterity even for me 

i have updated it. 

my horrible e-mail alerting system sends you my finely wrought aphorisms as tsunami of Woolfian cobblers – i have amended it https://gravityisahat.co.uk/index.php/not-blogging-but-writing/ so that its sends the link rather than the text in all its chundersome glory.

x

Not blogging but writing.

As you know I go through phases and my current phase is to write short stories for the phone box that feature a character called Tuffin. In fact I have become quite obsessed churning out about one or two per week plus other short stories. I have been getting some fantastic advice from my siblings, my children and their partners and as a consequence, even I think I may be getting a bit better. I am very needy indeed, so if you like any of them let me know, but if you don’t, then don’t. As I get more into writing fiction my devil-may-care attitude of  “Oh I don’t care what other people think” has started to wear away. This is most regrettable for all of us and particularly you, dear readers.

In think Tuffin is a version of me if I had not met Maria and had stayed in the house I was born in and emotionally rotted. He is both likably eccentric but also dislikably ‘locked in.’I suppose he is the teenage me made old. He lives an insular life, doing things that please him but that have no greater purpose or design. He observes people closely but really does not understand them, he thinks he does though. He likes toys and sets and collecting but not in a methodical way, just in a way that helps make sense of the world in his terms. He is 60 in the 60’s – an era I think I belong in. Anyway they are here, if anyone can be bothered https://81.136.203.155:82/wordpress/category/tuffin/

After 2 years the Teddy poem set of 12 is also complete and illustrated to my great joy by Pat McCarthy – but you will need a password to see them – send me an e-mail and I will let you have it – [email protected]. I am keeping them under wraps until the illustrator and I have decided what to do with them – so please don’t pass the password around. https://81.136.203.155:82/wordpress/category/teddy/

My health is excellent although my numbers get worse again cos I am off the drugs. The main thing is that when I need them, they work, be it that my misguided body seems to think I should pay for the privilege of survival by feeling fairly crap . There is new research on a treatment for my cancer that is centring on a molecule in Tumeric. It was featured on the Food Programme – sounds very promising – but as with all treatments it works for some and not for others. Interesting though. I shall be eating a lot of yellow food from now on. Course it may be a faddy nothing  – my faith in anything but the strongest and most toxic man made compounds is limited probably to the annoyance of Art and Lisa.

Maria and I had a brilliant couple of days in Lewisham seeing one pair of my lovely boy and girls and their heavenly abode full of really interesting people leading very alternative and cool lives, followed by a great gig and a lovely lunch with my sister, her husband and Lisa’s dad. It was a really fun couple of days. I envy their very sociable lifestyle in theory but in practice I don’t think I could cope with the 24 hour commitment to sociability – I am much too grumpy and insular (see above).

Met some amusing taxi drivers. One knew all places I knew in SE London and Kent. He had my original Swanley school accent, the one I had before I got gentrified by Glyndebourne Opera and a lack of self-confidence. He knew the pub I had collapsed in as a boy drinker. In/ie really in, a urinal if memory serves. In fact I began to think he might be a relative or an old school friend. He even knew the mental hospital my grandma had been incarcerated in. Oh how we fondly reminisced. The other Taxi driver told some fine stories of how he threatened to ‘eat someones face and feed it to his wife’ for what, I could only figure to be – “being posh and living in Clapham where he used to live with his nan who was not posh but salt of the earth, you know a proper English Londoner.” I told him I was a member of the Labour party and was pro immigration and despite that I respected his opinions – which I didn’t at all – but he was pro Trump, UKIP and hanging so we bonded in that way that only fear of having your own face bitten off can bring about. A good healthy tip later, my soulless, cowardly sell-out was complete, but so was my face.

I have my Labour party poster up. Probably the only one within the Appleton Conservative getto. I am rather excited by the election now that it looks like less of a rout. I have some faith that when people look around and see what right-wing politics is currently doing to the world, they might just start to think about being a bit nicer and a bit less me me me.

That said, Dear Reader, bye for now from me me me.

Mimi’s and wind

I am back at work and off the drugs for a bit longer – so that is most pleasing. The timing was not brilliant because as I became mobile the students went on holiday for Easter, but I managed a few days of catching up and I must say they seemed quite pleased to see me. I was certainly pleased to see them. I am still a cause for mirth as the distinction between my beard hair and sideburns and the hair on my crown, grows more not less. It really does look as though I applied my bottle of ‘chestnutty adonis’ to the top of my head and could not be arsed to blend it in with “santas snow’ in the lower reaches of my face.

I am avoiding talking family as you know. They are all professionals now and I have to be careful that my indiscretions and anecdotes don’t become their online profiles. The photo above however sends more than the customary tingles of pride down my spine.

Maria and I spent the night at Mimi’s in Soho, which we can thoroughly recommend. It sounds dead dodgy but sadly it isn’t. It’s actually a German run hotel that offers mini 5 star (they say) appointed rooms – the size of a second bedroom in a Barratt semi – with en-suite – but no windows!! affordable not cheap. Absolutely ideal for theatre-land etc. To be honest I found the tomb like mega dark once the lights were out, scary and I ended up focusing on the ‘you are not dead yet’ red power light on the TV. Maria was unconcerned and snoring during my mortality crisis.

I have found my long lost research wind again. The telephone box is a perfect fit with my more academic interests thus allowing me to think and act creatively but produce some of the obligatory academic writing. I will use this opportunity to try to write a draft abstract outlining my ideas, so brace yourselves. 

Computer generated voices don’t fool us. While it is possible to meticulously compose a sentence of two that gets close to doing so, the unconvincing delivery of on-the-fly utterances will swiftly reveal that the machine has no idea what it is talking about. It is in effect lying or acting badly. In this practice based research I attempt to develop a performance scenario in which the voice, the narrative, the time and the setting legitimises this limitation and enhances the users ‘willing suspension of disbelief.’  The voice is a computer rendering of my own voice, the narrative is autobiographical, the time is the future and the setting is a vintage red telephone box on the road outside my house.

Does that sound credible?

grump

can’t think straight, can write can’t think of anything to say – I am stuck at home, can’t drive, or walk, or eat much that doesn’t taste of vinegar can’t do much at all really so I think I will moan. First my hearts beating like a teenager who wants to party that has been grounded for the week. Second I am starving because of the steroids, well not really starving just greedy, but everything tastes vile. Third I am dizzy so that every time I stand up I feel urgently in need of a sit down. Forth I am sweaty and gross. Fifth I am plain pissed off. Grump, grump, grump. Actually this course of steroids has not been a joy like the first lot 2 years ago. The first lot gave me boundless if misguided and uncontrollable creative energy, which I gather is unusual, this time I am just irritated by everyone and everything that doesn’t complement my gruff mood. Beware any cold callers cos I am very rude today. Even the cats demands for constant troughing is annoying.

Boy I am sick of saying how I am. ILL !!! – stop asking – isn’t it obvious. I don’t need sympathy or consideration or good wishes I just need sherbet dib dabs – strangely they taste goodish. Most of all I am irritated with myself and my lack of get up and go. Can’t seem to focus on the stuff I normally like. Tv comedy drives me mad and the adverts almost push me over the edge. A melancholy Scandy holds my attention for a bit but really my favourite bit of the day is bedtime, thalidomide is like a strong sedative. My least favourite bit is getting up which is preceded by a very complex ritual of tiresome drug taking guided by a spreadsheet Maria created for me and competed with sour tasting porridge or toast. Grump grump grump.

So all in all crap.

So now my official birthday is past (I was slipped an absolutely amazing present by my two sisters – naughty them) I am on to contemplating my August 1 birthday. Given August 1st is a Tuesday we will covene the barbecue and camping in York on 29th July thus my target is to have something memorable playing in the telephone box by then. I have spent the best part of the day on my back imagining what that might be and have come to no clear conclusion. So we will have to wait and see.

I have nothing more to say – Grump!