We have been communicatively cut off from last week until last night in case you were wondering why so silent. Over enthusiastic hole diggers cleaved through the BT cable and castrated electronic communication for the whole of our street. Unknowingly and ironically I had rewarded said diggers with bacon sandwiches in an effort to bribe them into giving me the porcelain insulators from the old pole. The result of a misdirected spade was no phone, no internet, no mobile signal (we rely on a connection to the internet to get a mobile signal), no blogs, no Apple TV and no eBay for several days. It was horrible. I love my connectivity and get withdrawal symptoms when I am not able to check etsy on a daily basis. Btw. Apologies to some – I have lots of e-mails to catch up with so please bear with me.

Rather unfortunately (as it turns out) given our stranded status I decided to fall off a ladder while applying the finishing touch to my telephone box. And I do mean the finishing touch. The very last bit of scraping off of clumsily applied red paint to one window and the job was to be complete. Having been neurotically cautious regarding my safety up until this last task I rashly attacked it with a Bambi like spring only to come crashing down like a lead hippo onto my back. As you may know my back is where the damage to my bones is at its worst so this was a really dangerous fall. I was very winded and yelled unheroically for Maria. Unfortunately she was in the midst of learning Dildo and Anus and could not hear. So in true dying-of-thirst-desert-oasis fashion I crawled to the door and stuck my head through the cat flap to get her attention. From then on all hell broke out with neighbours, passers by, nonnas, farmers et al, a veritable sunami of the panicked tried to resolve the fact that we needed an ambulance but had no landline or mobile signal to call for one. Eventually this was resolved by a local farmers daughter who managed to get a weak signal and there followed the customary checklist of questions about my age, gender and whether I was dead or not. This had to be delivered as if trying to order a drink at the noisiest bar in the world. I had time to pick up the fact that she guessed my age as fifty which was nice if unlikely given I had turned a Shrek shade of green. To add to the drama I had been using red paint to I looked spectacularly injured and a touch Christmasy.

I was not in much pain and was pretty confident I had not done anything too serious. Maria had thoughtfully sieved the soil I landed on so to a certain extent it had been a soft landing. I should also point out it was only a step ladder and the fall was no more than 4 foot so any normally fit person would easily have brushed such a titchy fall off. Anyway because of my fragile skeleton it was resolved I should be taken to hospital and checked over. All was discovered to be well although they did discover two fractures in my back that belonged to my original injury and had never been identified. So no wonder the chiropractor I stupidly indulged in bloody well hurt. What a load of crap and money that was.

So after a not unpleasant 5 hour sojourn in A&E I was dispatched home none the worst. That said during the night I experienced something like child birth of the spine – strewth ow ow ow! Despite having a selection of class A pain killers I was not a happy bunny at all. Happily now that all the class a’s have kicked in I am contentedly writing this blog, buying fake grass on eBay and coming out with the odd bizarre interjection such as confusing the word ‘toast’ as in “yes I would love some toast” with the word “guinea-pig” – so easily confused when under the influence.

I managed my monthly consultation today. I had to sit two or three times for bit of a rest during the 100 metre trek from the carpark and the consultant looked horrified when I explained what had happened , in fact in his own measured and reassuring way he more of less told me not to be such a silly arse. Anyway my bloods are in good shape so I don’t need to see him for two months. I gather I have been very lucky not to have done some serious damage so no more ladders for me – Doctors orders. I am signed off work for two weeks and have had to cancel our visit to Julia and Richard’s and a short holiday we had planned. I feel desperately sorry for Maria who between me and her mum will be at the hospital four days in a row while having to endure her own slip disk which is giving her a lot of grief. Basically what a bummer all round and all because I was being an over confident nit.